Tom Haverford, Pawnee, Indiana’s Swagger King wasn’t always the smartest when it came to his business ventures. Jean-Ralphio may be to blame for some of it, Entertainment720 *cough cough*. The selfish yet lovable entrepreneur was oddly inspirational if you think about it. After each of his businesses failed, he could have just given up, instead he set even higher goals for himself and when he achieved them, the audience celebrated with him. Here is a list of our 15 favorite business ideas from Tom, some that came to life and some that didn’t (thank goodness)…
15. Entertainment 720
They described themselves as “a multimedia entertainment production conglomerate.” What does that even mean? They called their headquarters the dreamatorium, complete with pool tables, ping pong tables, a couch with a ceiling on it, an in house DJ, DJ BLUNTZ, and best of all former NBA superstar Detlef Schrempf, who they hired to look pretty and shoot baskets on retainer. Yeah, sure, they did an awesome job for Lil’ Sebastian’s funeral, but after that they went downhill. Ben, aka Jello Shot, tried to tell them they were in trouble but they just wouldn’t listen.
13 & 14. Sparkle Suds and Disco Dairy
These ideas deserve to go together. Sparkle Suds: Dress Loud involved Tom putting glitter in the laundry detergent, and getting all over Ann’s clothes. Needless to say, she hated it. Disco Dairy: Spread the Party, was mixing glitter in butter. That can’t be safe to eat….right?
12. Saltweens: Saltines for Tweens
I’m just not sure about this one. Are they JUST for tweens, or can anyone eat them? Are they just regular saltines or are they fancied up? I have too many questions.
11. A phone that smells good.
I’m intrigued by this. I wonder how long the smell would last. I’d kinda like mine to smell like an Abercrombie & Fitch store.
10. Contact lenses that display text messages.
So just a more advanced Google Glass? I feel like these would definitely be dangerous.
9. Make a baby tuxedo clothing line.
I really feel like this already exists. And if it doesn’t, I’m sure this will be Kanye West’s new clothing venture.
8. “I wanna open up my own club one day. Maybe call it club-a-dub-dub or the club marine, sorta a submarine theme club. Or..Tom’s Bistro. The word Bistro is classy as shit.”
Fun fact: there’s a submarine themed bar in Romania, and it looks awesome. Now you have a second reason to want to visit Romania (the first reason is to see dragons, duh).
7. Lasik for fingernails. Cut your fingernails once you never have to cut them again.
Sadly, in episode 6 of season 7, Tom finds out that lasik for fingernails already exists when he and Donna go to Beverly Hills to treat themselves.
6. “Gourmet alcoholic yogurt, i call it, yogurt platinum.”
Okay this is one that I personally would have to try. It would probably be disgusting, but hey you never know.
5. “Open a night club called “Eclipse” that’s only open for one hour two times a year. Cover charge: $5,000!”
Okay…call me crazy but this is another one that I think could work. Open it in L.A. and I guarantee people would be lining up to go to this.
4. Tom’s Bistro
Good ‘ol Tom’s Bistro. Described as an old fashioned, old world, Italian style restaurant with classic authentic ambiance in a small town setting. That description makes me want to actually go there. Plus, I’d love for Craig the sommelier to pick my wine for me.
3. Snake Juice
Although described as “basically rat poison” by Donna, I’ve had the inkling to try it ever since Ron decided it was good enough for him to recommend it (and to dance like he did in the above GIF). “A new, high end, kahlua style liquor.” Pour me up a shot, bartender!
“I started a business where I rent my fancy clothes to teens so their parents don’t have to buy them things they’ll just grow out of. So if you see a 14 year old kid wearing a Louis Vuitton cravat, you know who to thank.” I actually thought this was a genius idea. I’m surprised I haven’t seen rent-a-swag’s popping up around me yet.
1. His book, Failure: An American Success Story
Tom ends the series as a bestselling author with over 2 million copies sold and on a 40 city book tour. It was heartwarming to see that he finally found a way for all his business ventures to pay off in the end and to write about his failures and how others can learn from him and achieve success. And he gets to travel around telling people what to do, which seems to be what he’s the best as.